A terrific list!
Unintentional His/Her Sexual Slogans for Paper Towels
“Excessive thickness…”
“Always ready to take on the dirtiest, sloppiest mess.”
“Trusted durability and long-lasting.”
“Absorbs more fluid than any other…”
“No need for any other protection.”
“With scrubbing folds.”
“So effective, all you need is the tip.”
“Double the size, so you use less.”
I just realized that these are from a series of toys and this is the commercial:
My favorite toy…WATER BEAT FIRE!
Check out this awesome article about working in a club!
I wrote it! YAY!
Dan
A family in Saudi Arabia is suing a Genie for stealing phones and throwing rocks at their kids.
Exclusive photo
Suing? In Court? What do they expect to gain, more wishes? Because that’s #1 rule the Genie can’t break, followed by not being able to kill anyone or forcing someone fall in love, etc. Furthermore, what prison is going to be worse than his 10,000 year enslavement to the lamp?!
It sounds more like this Genie is fulfilling someone else’s wish that YOU should be phoneless and have rocks thrown at your children on the daily. Maybe, instead of suing the Genie, you should work on your people skills. Maybe you should stop being a dick to your friends who know Genies, and not shoot the messenger on this one.
How bout that!
Dan
Things I invented:
Coats
Blindness
Haberdashery
Kosher food
Wu-Tang-ing a cigarillo or joint (they eventually made a hip-hop group based on my distinct smoking habits)
Self-loathing
The New York Giants
Anal (Beads, retentiveness)
The word “gradumate” (for real: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gradumate)
You might be thinking: “Dan, there’s no way you invented all of those things.” Trust me. I have the capacity to do anything I set my mind to: so sayeth Ms. Purdy, my 1st grade teacher who read the entirety of James and the Giant Peach to me (NOT Mrs. Braun, my 3rd grade teacher who told me I “had a good way of ruining things for people!” This was said after I “ruined” an incredible nature video, which we had watched three or four times that year, by claiming the narrator must have dubbed his voice in saying “roll over, boy!” after they had already filmed a shark spinning around in the water. Basically, I was told to stop telling people the “truth” with all those crazy “words.” That’s what stupid people enjoy: making sure people dumber than they are continue to believe in ghosts, the “magic” of video editing, and themselves. That’s what horrible teachers are for: inspiring dumb people to continue work in academia, so they too can become bitter, mean, still-pretty-sexy-even-to-an-eight-year-old teachers who don’t even need to work since their husbands are in the Secret Service but for the sake of half-assed feminism jump into Teach for America, burn out after a year, then move to Fairview Park, Ohio where they can slowly die in a nice white neighborhood.
Good thing my parents set the record straight that very evening by saying: “She’s too stupid to be teaching. Also she’s a bitch.” CUT TO years later I graduate from Bard College with a degree in Classics and Creative Writing. Who can professionally ruin things now? That’s right! I ruin shit for people on the regular now! “Oh, what’s that? You like Twilight? Yeah, well…maybe you should grow a pair and read Lolita. Maybe Master and Margarita is a better choice if you want to read a fantasy! What’s that? Why would you even bring up Avatar right now? The show is brilliant. Everyone knows that, even college students. If I could water-bend right now, I’d drown throw pee in your face.”)
Coincidentally, I invented audiodubs, which is how I knew what they were at age 8.
Greetings,
After a full month of living in NYC, I can honestly say…nothing. I have had about an hour each day to think, and that time I usually spend trying to get past the second half of Punch-Out. The drop from college to day job has been tremendous!
In college, I was up at 6:30 AM reading Euripides so that I could go to class with some thoughts, write some plays, cook for myself in the evening, hang out for three or four hours (and by that I mean masturbate), watch netflix, eat, masturbate, then wake up in the morning and do it again!
Now I find myself at Midnight or so saying: “COME ON, DAN! You can finish this comic book!” To be fair, the comic was the Dark Knight Returns, but the only scholarship I’m capable of now is “Wow, parts of this book are different from the movie.”
I wish I was writing a little bit more, but I have been getting up a lot and meeting the bright faces of the NYC Comedy world. And that is awesome. I’ll let you know more soon!
Dan
Hey guys and gals!
If you’d like to know my inner thoughts while I’m working at Comix, check this out!
