Blood Donor Questionnaire

Have you eaten today?

When was the last time you gave blood?

Do you have AIDS?

Did you ever, at any time, think you might have AIDS?

Did you, at any time since 1977, have sex with a person who had AIDS or the HIV virus?

Does your Google History contain the phrase “Do I have AIDS?”

Have you ever been at a party, and heard some people talking nearby, and though you weren’t sure of the context because the music was too loud, you swear you heard one of the people speaking say: “[and blah, blah, blah] has AIDS…”?

Have you ever had sex with someone who had AIDS since 1977?

What about after 1977?

Do you have syphilis or maybe AIDS?

Have you ever shared an appetizer at dinner?

What about an entree?

How often do you over-share on Facebook?

You seem to like sharing. Have you ever shared a needle?

Do you have any tattoos?

Are you positive?

Are you HIV-positive?

Don’t respond to this question if you have AIDS.

What do you mean that’s not a question?

When was the last time you were checked for AIDS?

Don’t you think it’s time to get checked again?

Why are you being so defensive? Is it because you’re worried you have AIDS?

Do you want a Lorna Doone sugar cookie?

Do you want Hepatitis?

THEN STOP TOYING WITH ME AND ANSWER MY QUESTIONS FASTER.

When was the last time you bought a roll of stamps from the post office?

Did you use the stamps?

Did the stamps feature Snoopy or any other Peanuts characters?

Oh, that means you have AIDS. HA! Just testing you. Do you think you can contract AIDS from a stamp? If you’re dumb enough to believe that, don’t you think you should get checked for AIDS?

I’m sorry, you look tired. Are you feeling well today? If you’re feeling sick, you can’t donate blood.

Oh. You’re just “tired of my questions,” huh? Is that because you have a mood disorder? Are you taking anything for said mood disorder?

Would said medication for cause birth defects in newborns and also do you have AIDS?

Why do you think I’m trying to not let you donate blood? Is it some secret wish-fulfillment to not be permitted because you know you have AIDS?

Would you say you’re a happy person?

Do you think feeling that way is a physical problem or just your outlook?

Have you seen a therapist about how you’re feeling?

Do you think any of the major life choices you’ve made in the past five years could have changed that outlook?

Did you ever stop and think maybe its your own ego that is keeping you from committing to a stable relationship? That maybe you need to look within yourself to fix your own hangups before trying to fix someone else?

Do you have a drinking or drug problem?

Has anyone ever told you that you drink too much?

How many drinks do you have on a normal day?

How many drinks is “a few”?

Do you know how much damage you’re doing to not only your body but your relationships with other people?

Have you heard the good news about our risen Lord, Jesus Christ?

Have you ever drunk the blood of Christ?

Did you know drinking blood can, in some cases, give you AIDS?

Does your mother know you have AIDS?

What do you mean “circular logic”?

Do you realize what you’re saying makes you sound paranoid?

HUH! Well, did you know that I’m rubber and you’re glue, and whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you?

NO. Fuck YOU.

Fine, last question: are you on any of these 6,000 medications or any antibiotics or have you ever traveled to Europe or eaten steak?

Yes? You have traveled recently?

I guess we should have started there! I’m sorry, honey, you can’t donate blood today.

On your way out: could you push play on the DVD player? We’re gonna watch Evil Dead in the waiting room.